I may be wrong. I frequently am.

I was having my regular end-of-day talk with my son yesterday, and we happened to end up discussing tactics for writing good General Paper essays. So he was explaining his thoughts on opening with a counter-thesis, then coming in all guns blazing to dismantle the counter-thesis, thus ensuring that any resistance is futile even before he needs to get to his actual thesis!

OK, so I guess that's one way of doing it... but of course Daddy must have a view also right? So I suggested to him that his tactic could make a lot of sense, but perhaps more so in another context. What context is that? I asked. And he thought for a bit, and answered, "A debate".

Eureka. The very purpose of a debate is to win the argument. On the other hand, the purpose of a General Paper essay is not to win an argument. It is to demonstrate the writer's ability to understand and communicate the issues. For this reason, having the mindset of utterly destroying the counter-thesis to your proposition can cause you to over-extend and appear naive to the nuances. Better to graciously acknowledge the validity of the counter-thesis, while gently pointing out the points that mitigate or counter-balance it.

Dale Carnegie once wrote, regarding how to constructively handle arguments, that "There's magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: "I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let's examine the facts."

There is a human instinct to put up walls when we hear "You're wrong." Conversely, doors are opened when we hear "I might be wrong."

I am wildly guilty of getting all this wrong (ha). At home, I keep making the mistake of flat out telling my children "you're wrong", when it comes to the way they approach schoolwork, or think about future careers, or their views on current affairs. At work, I am often far too quick to bluntly tell my colleagues "you're wrong", whether it's about how they make presentations, or their approach to projects. 

I should really know better. At home, I bristle when my wife tells me "you should have brought in the laundry". At work, I bite back when my colleagues tell me "this approach is dumb". In almost no situation does being told I'm wrong cause me to acknowledge the issue, and want to agree with the other party. Here I quote Dale Carnegie again, who pointed out this astute old saying "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still"!

So. Resist the urge to leap to tell someone they're wrong. And this is so, even when it's patently clear that we're right, and they are in fact wrong. Even when we're dead certain about it. Instead, let's put ourselves in their shoes. Respectfully examine their position. Consider whether wounding their pride will lead to the result we want. Show that we want to understand them. So often, people need to see, not that we understand the issues, but that we want to understand them. It's amazing how much gracious reciprocity this generates.

After all, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" Proverbs 15:1 and "Whoever would foster love covers over an offence, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends" Proverbs 17:9

Conversely, resist the urge to quickly retort when someone tells us we're wrong. Our instinct to get defensive when someone makes the mistake of saying to us "you're wrong" will get us nowhere, and blind us to the possibility that we may in fact be wrong. Earnestly and enthusiastically acknowledge when we're wrong, or even when we might be wrong, and suddenly conflict dissipates and understanding and cooperation starts.

All this applies in our spiritual walk with Jesus too. No one was ever argued into the kingdom of God. Let's suppose I believe Toyota cars are amazing - you can count on them, they'll never let you down, they'll get you to where you need to go. Which would work better in convincing a Honda owner to buy a Toyota? Would I tell the Honda owner "Your Honda is crap. Toyotas are so much better. Here's all the data analytics that proves I'm right"? Or would I say "I've had such a great experience with my Toyota . Can I give you a lift?"

This is not to say that we should adopt unthinking pluralism. Truth is still truth, and many truths, whether physical or spiritual, are in fact exclusive. So being waffly about the truth is unhelpful. But no one cares what we know, until they know that we care. Sure, end-time eschatology, Biblical prophecy and trinitarian doctrine are important. But no one cares, until we learn to cry alongside them when they mourn, cheer when they rejoice, and just sit down quietly with them, knowing that we're there for them, when they need it and when they don't need it, when we agree and when we disagree, when things are good and when things are bad.

I'm far far away from applying all this in my life consistently. But I'd like to learn. So teach me Lord, to listen more than I talk. To disagree less and understand more. And not to win arguments but people.

Perhaps you may read all this and conclude - all this is rubbish. 

Indeed. 

I may be wrong. I frequently am :)


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