Love your enemy

One of our practices over a Sunday dinner evening is to share with each other some lessons learned in the past week or a challenge to be faced in the coming week, and either give thanks or seek God's advice in prayer.  It's great because we learn to be more transparent with each other, and reinforce that problems are best resolved not by capricious individual effort alone, but with God's guidance.

One of the kids was sharing that there was a classmate who was being a bad influence on the rest of the class by bullying, being disrespectful to teachers and disruptive during lessons. 
Solutions included:

Kid: Can I complain to the teacher about what he's doing?
Me: Well, you don't really want to be the class snitch, unless he's putting someone in danger...?
Kid: Then can I confront him myself about the bad things he's doing?
Me: How are you going to do that?  Do you think he'll listen?
Kid: No.  He always flips me the finger when I tell him.  But he should change.  He's so terrible, I really reeeeallly don't like him.
Me: Let me tell you, unless you learn to love him, don't dream that you can make him change.
Kid: Nooooooo!

It's easy to say, but really hard to accept that, if we want something to change, it usually starts with ourselves.  We can't change things that are out of our control, like how others behave.  But we can control our own conduct.  It's a hard truth.

Proverbs 25:21-22 says "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you."  Painfully difficult as it is, showing kindness to those who oppose us is how we can slowly influence them to change - if nothing else, by being embarrassed!

Matthew 5:44, 46, expands on this imperative, saying "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you... if you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the sinners doing that?"

In my kid's situation, this probably means not rising to provocation, or even helping his antagonist when the opportunity arises, perhaps with homework, or some other problem.  That's hard.  Really really hard.  But it's the only way that works.  Why would anyone listen to us, or take our advice, unless they believe we're on their side?

I think it's the same in our workplaces.  Maybe we have a colleague who's irritating - a know-it-all, a bootlicker, or lazy, or dishonest, or backstabbing, or arrogant, or political.  Love him or her more.  Show that we care about what he or she cares about.  You know, not that many people, even the school or office bully, truly want to be bad guys.  There's usually something they're struggling with.  Often it's self-esteem or fear - some recognition that they have a big hole or problem in their work or their lives somewhere, and so they act out to compensate.  It's horrible to have to suffer the brunt of their acting out, but all we can do is love them, seek to understand them, and hopefully... something changes.  Proverbs 15:1 says "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

So what can we do to love people?  Just spend time with them.  This is harder for some of us than for others.  I am an introvert by nature.  I'm sitting alone at my keyboard now, my thoughts drifting in my own head, and I am happy.  But if I don't spend time to love others, I cannot influence them.  So many people are hurting, or have been hurt, that they have a big chunk of ice around their hearts, that needs to be melted before anything can grow again.

So I am learning to love.  I struggle with it, but I learn to spend time with those who need my help - sometimes it's with family, sometimes it's with younger friends who need guidance, sometimes it's the poor.  And yes, sometimes it's with people I don't really like, but with which something needs to change.  Change him/her?  No, change me, first.  Because if I don't learn to love first, then don't dream that I can change someone else!

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