To mix courage with love

It may be an occupational hazard, but speaking up is starting to become a little habit, even outside work.  Most people would agree in theory that it is a good thing to speak up.  But in reality, no one likes to be told that what they're doing is wrong. No one likes to be told that they don't meet the mark.  So how do I speak up in love?  How do I get people to care about being right, without railing at them, or making them feel guilty about it?

At work, it's sometimes necessary for me to be firm to win arguments and convince people.  But I'm still trying to learn and practise that the best negotiators are able to demonstrate win-win conclusions to the contesting parties.  When I'm in attack mode, it's hard for my counterpart to believe that he's winning anything - it just feels like an all-or-nothing, every-man-for-himself situation.  This makes everyone put up shields and before long you're either flinging bombs at each other, or one party simply retreats.  Neither result is positive for the organisation in the long term, because constructive engagement and mutual buy-in almost always produces the best results.

So why do we slip into attack mode so easily?  Because it's simply easier to win when you're on the attack.  If you go into a discussion thinking, I don't want to offend this guy, you're 10 times more likely to give in and agree with him.  So when we think it's important for us to win, we go into attack mode.  That's how sports teams approach a must-win game.  You attack.  Sitting back guarantees defeat, or stalemate at best.  That's how armies approach battle.  You hit as hard and as fast as you can.  Pussyfooting just exposes you to counterattack and casualties.

Let's be clear - standing up and winning is important - and many of us need to learn that - it's no use being gentle if you do nothing with it.  But (other than in binary sports results) winning is not secured through one decisive confrontation.  Take the army example above.  Sure, you hit as hard and fast as you can.  But at some point, you have to deal with the aftermath.  You can't keep attacking.  As the Americans learned in Iraq, you have to move from "shock and awe" to "hearts and minds".  Without the latter, your initial victory is essentially hollow.

So, without losing the knack of standing up courageously, I'm learning to put aside my obnoxious self-righteousness.  I'm learning to listen before engaging.  I'm learning how to remain firm without going into attack mode.  It's terribly difficult because it feels like simultaneously trying to draw a circle with your right hand and a square with your left (try it)!

So what's the secret to achieving this?  Love.  Not just for the issue, but for the people involved.  If I learn to care enough for the person I'm trying to convince, then I will be patient, I will be kind, I will not boast, I will not dishonour others or be easily angered (1 Cor 13:4-5).  It's only in this way that I can win hearts and minds.  Shock and awe fades.  If I cannot show my family, friends and colleagues this respect and love, how can they see the gentle love of my God?  No one ever got argued into the kingdom of God.  God knocks at the door, and we willingly let Him in.

Oh God, help me to be this kind of winner.  To be unashamed to do the right thing, to dare to speak up, to do all this with gentleness; and in the end, to mix courage with love.

Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
Luke 9:26

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge,
but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
Proverbs 15:1-2

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