Give, take or match

I'm reading Give and Take by Adam Grant. I'm about a quarter of the way through, and have been intrigued by his characterisation of people as "givers", "takers" and "matchers". 

The default mindset and actions of a "giver" are to add more value into the eco-system than they take out. "Takers" aim to take more value out than they put in. "Matchers" (which apparently is most people) seek reciprocity - you scratch my back, I scratch yours.

Most people think that "good guys finish last". Grant's research suggests that this is partly true. As an example, medical students who are "givers" tend to gravitate toward the bottom of the pile. They spend time and effort helping others, and end up with less time for themselves. So who's at the top of the pile? 

Interestingly, also the givers!

Why?

In the beginning, when results are strongly correlated with individual effort, givers lose out. But as the course progresses, more collaborative work is required in laboratories and operating theatres. 

Givers end up flourishing in those environments. Taking is an effective short term strategy. But giving actually works significantly better in the long run. You might wonder again - why ?

One big reason is that most of us are "matchers". "Matchers" want to reciprocate. They repay ill intent with ill intent. But they also want to pay off their "debt" for good intent. 

At some point, enough "giving" happens that the weight of all the many "matchers" comes into play. More and more people start rooting for "givers"; people actually actively want "givers" to succeed.

Grant puts it elegantly. "Paranoia" is when you think the world is against you. It's the delusional belief that other people are plotting your downfall and saying nasty things about you behind your back.

"Pronoia" is when you think the world is for you. It's the delusional belief that other people are plotting your well-being, and saying nice things about you behind your back.

But if you're a giver, this "pronoia" may become a reality, and not a mere delusion. People are actually plotting the success of givers!

I like to think that my team motto of "Make Others Succeed" has made us the beneficiary of true pronoia, where people look at me and my team and think, "These guys are working for my good. They're on my side. They colour outside the lines, and help me even when it's not their job. So I want them to succeed too."

Sure, maybe there will be some "takers" who will happily keep taking. And those times will be painful. But I figure there are more givers and matchers out there that will more than make up. And even putting aside the utilitarianism of being a "giver"... let's face it, it's a lot more fun to go through life believing everyone is on your side, than constantly looking over your shoulder believing everyone is trying to stab you in the back.

I've observed "taking" behaviour backfire on so many occasions. "Takers" think everyone else is trying to take too. There's a paranoia. So they strike first. They are on guard all the time. They see plots and shadows everywhere and jump at every loud noise and seeming offence. They miss out on all the giving they would otherwise have received. 

Worse, all the many "matchers" naturally start matching the "taker's" behaviour. And so the "taker's" paranoia that everyone is against them becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's a pretty tiring way to live.

Conversely, I have some people in my life who are clear "givers". They put a lot more in than they demand. They don't operate on reciprocity. And I gotta say, I really root for their success. I want them to win. 

These are the people who I recommend to other people, who I try to open every door for whether they know it or not, who end up on my prayer list to pray for... 

Who are some of the "givers" in your life? What nice thing could we do for them today? 

How can we become more of a "giver" ourselves? Perhaps we can think less about what we're gonna get out of things. Perhaps we can stop fearing that people are going to take advantage of niceness. Perhaps we can stop seeing shadows everywhere. It's hard if we've been hurt before. But as Nelson Mandela said, "Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".

Adam Grant's books are always an engaging read. But I think we could have saved him a bit of trouble in writing "Give and Take" by pointing him to a book which preceded this idea of giving and taking by a couple thousand years.

In the book of Acts, the doctor Luke records the life and words of the apostle Paul, one of the great givers of history.

"You know how I lived the whole time I was with you, from the first day I came. I served with great humility and with tears and in the midst of severe testing by the plots of my opponents. You know that I have not hesitated to preach anything that would be helpful to you but have taught you publicly and from house to house... 

I have not coveted anyone's silver or gold or clothing. You yourselves know that these hands of mine have supplied my own needs and the needs of my companions. In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive'"

Yes, Mr Grant, it really is more blessed to give than to receive!