In this modern age of the selfie, I have become ever more conscious of my near-complete lack of physical self-awareness, in the sense of how I look to others. Some people just know how to stand, how much to tilt their heads, where to put their hands, or whatever it is that makes them look like they're authoritative/cool/sexy in their corporate profile/Zoom window/Instagram stream :D
Me? If I were to attempt any of those shenanigans, I would look like my left shoulder was in my right sleeve, while my head is lolling off in the opposite direction. I think it's some kind of physical spatial dyslexia. As a result, any half-reasonable photo of me essentially requires me to keep it simple, look straight at the camera with a goofy grin, and no going off-script please!
When I was in university, I once joined a dance competition with some hall friends, in a fit of YOLO/insanity. After months of incredibly patient instruction by my friends, I managed to hone my skills to become not quite bad enough to be hooked off the stage entirely. Unbelievably, our group actually made it to the finals, and then the top 3. When the other 5 people are good enough, you can ignore the guy who's cantering around somewhere in the back :D
A couple years ago, the office shot a corporate video in which I was supposed to walk dramatically across a stage, half turn, and look back at the balcony behind me. After several takes of me mustering all the drama I could, the cameraman eventually gave up and said, "OK, I tell you what. Just walk straight ahead, I'll film that, and then we'll figure something out in post-production".
This general absence of physical self-possessedness even extends to my overall demeanour. The office once arranged for me to go for media training, to prepare for the specific scenario of having to respond to the media when confronted by crisis. Among other things, the training included a surprise ambush by a "reporter", who barged into the room, stuck a camera and microphone in my face, and demanded to know what was my company going to do about XYZ.
I really thought I aced it. I was calm, cool, collected. I answered professionally, while directing the "reporter" away from issues which we didn't have answers for yet. But when they played back the video of my "interview", I was astonished. I had no idea that this was how I looked. I was, in fact, calm, cool and collected. But far too much so! I was so calm, it looked like I didn't care enough about the gravity of the situation.
This is actually a manifestation of my coping mechanism when it comes to work-related stress. The more stressful a situation at work, the calmer my external demeanour becomes. The speed of my speech decreases. The tone of my voice mellows. The emotion drains away from my face. Logic and order boils to the surface of my thinking, while fear and anger are (temporarily!) locked away in a drawer for post-event processing.
You might think, wow that's great. And yeah, it does help me to think and process better. It is, after all, my coping mechanism. For me, the calm on the surface facilitates the furious paddling under water. On occasion, it even manages to give assurance to fellow workers. But on other occasions, it can give a sense of, "where's the fire in his belly?!", or "does he really care about me/the situation?!"
When there's crisis, or a difficult message to deliver, I think it can sometimes help for others to see some emotion. I read with great interest a recent grounds of decision by a High Court judge, in which he observed that the plaintiff was a man of emotion, given to spontaneous outbursts. On the other hand, the defendant was observed to be a careful, methodical witness. It doesn't always work out this way of course, but on the particular facts of this case, the judge concluded that the it was the impulsive, excitable plaintiff, rather than the calm, deliberate defendant, who possessed the ring of authenticity, and was believed in the end.
So, something to think about, and apply in my life appropriately!
I am glad though, that two sets of people get to see the real me, without me even having to think too hard about it. The first is my family - it is perhaps a sign of the profound safety I feel around my wife and my children, that I can express my feelings in outbursts (though my children no doubt wish that I was less quick tempered)! I can be raw and emotional with them, and we care enough for each other that we don't only have to deal in terms of measured logic. Thank goodness for that!
The second is God! Psalm 139:1-4 says:
You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.
He knows me inside out. He knows when I'm calm on the outside, but churning on the inside. He knows when I'm fiery on the outside, but there's fear on the inside. He knows when I smile on the outside, but hurt on the inside. I don't have to put on a show. I don't have to worry that I'm misunderstood. He loves me anyway.
As the song by Casting Crowns goes:
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are!
What a good God He is!
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