Be true to yourself (?)

Over the years, I've kind of worked out what I like, and what I'm good at.  At work, I know I'm good at a few things and not so good at others.  I'm generally earnest and get along even with difficult people, so people know I've got no hidden agenda and can trust me.  I've got a knack for looking at complicated things, and reducing them to simple actions.  I have a tendency to act, rather than to ruminate.  I usually manage down better than I manage up. 

But I also understand that these tendencies aren't always appropriate.  Sometimes a situation at work requires me to be confrontational, and not agreeable.  Sometimes a matter needs time to slowly talk through a complex response.  I continue to learn these lessons all the time. 

Several years ago, I had two bosses, one of whom was great at managing down to me, and another who was great managing up to the boss above.  I naturally liked boss 1, because he knew what he was doing, he made decisions, he backed us up publicly and only berated us in private.  He was a great man manager.  I didn't like boss 2 so much, because - kept asking me to produce reports so that the report could go up to the bigger boss, provided little direction downwards, seemed more interested in keeping big boss informed than the employees.

I suspect most of us would like boss 1 better too.  But after some time, I realised I had something important to learn from boss 2.  Boss 2 was consistently allocated better resources from big boss than boss 1.  And that obviously made life better for me.  It was an epiphany - it's natural to sneer at managing up, but managing up is important.  A supervisor who fails to manage up is failing to look after his own people in a very important way too.

What do I do then?  Do I say, oh, this "managing up" thing is not my thing?  I'm not that sort of person?  Hmm.  I still struggle with this to this day, because of my natural tendencies.  I probably don't produce enough reports and presentations of the work that the team does to my boss.  But I do consciously remind myself to act on it.  Whenever opportunity arises, praise my team and showcase their work to my boss.  And I'll continue to work at this even if I'm not naturally good at it, and whatever my natural tendencies are.

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So to segue from the above - I think one of the dumbest sayings these days is "be true to yourself".  It originates from Shakespeare's Hamlet ("To thine own self be true"), and was the advice of the character Polonius, who is generally portrayed as "a pompous old windbag... of sententious maxims" (per Wikipedia!).  Unfortunately, in present times, this saying has been taken up with great enthusiasm.

"Be true to yourself" sounds great as a trite utterance, but when you break it down, what does it really mean?  Do what makes you happy?  Don't do anything that you don't like?  Don't change who you are?  Just look at that phrase again - it essentially centres on YOU.  Be true to YOU.  It's a hammy self-justification for the selfish and the stubborn.  My own happiness is what matters. I refuse to change.  And even more insidiously - I can't change, because that's just who I am.

I think the stubbornness to change is quite natural.  It is true that we all have our own innate tendencies.  And it does usually make sense to leverage on our strengths.  But it doesn't mean we can't work on who we are - otherwise we're conceding, I'm just a base animal, no better than a sheep or a fox - I can't help who I am.  If everyone thought that way, where would we be?  No heroes, no firemen, no soldiers, no teachers, no nurses, no social workers, no volunteers!  It's pretty clear - people can be more than they are naturally. 

The instinct not to change is even stronger if what comes naturally to us has actually contributed to past success.  If being confrontational has helped someone succeed in the past, he or she will find it very difficult to accept, in some other future context, that a different approach needs to be taken.  Or the reverse for me - being collaborative has definitely helped.  But in a different context, I might need to be more disagreeable.  Insisting on doing things my way (the collaborative way), and my way only - being dogmatically "true to myself" - is just as stubborn as being confrontational.

In what other parts of our lives do we face stubbornness? 

Someone's hurt me, and is an obvious scumbag.  Natural reaction - never speak to that person again.  Radically changed response - put aside past hurt and future pride, offer forgiveness, and yes, even genuinely seek forgiveness for being angry at that person, and reconciliation.  The cost of seeking forgiveness is high, but the prize of peace is worth it!

Proverbs 25:21-22 has an interesting take on this: "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you." :D

I'm a go-getter, and want a great career.  Natural reaction - grab every improved opportunity, promotion, rotation and new job.  Radically changed response - genuinely seek God's guidance with an open mind before moving (or for that matter, staying in a job where you think you're doing well - that's a choice too) i.e. ask "God, where do you need me to be?" and not "God, I'm going over there, you know where to find me if you need me"!

Isaiah 6:8 says "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, 'Whom shall I send?  And who will go for us?'  And I said, 'Here am I.  Send me!'"

I want to get married, have a happy family.  Natural reaction - find the best looking, most agreeable and most available person at hand! Radically changed response - ask God "who do you want me to marry?".  And if His answer is, not this one, or not yet, then accept it.  Too many examples of how it's far far far worse to be yoked to someone pulling in the opposite direction, or even someone who needs to be grudgingly dragged along.

Joshua 24:15 says, "But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord".

I just want to be happy.  Natural reaction - do whatever makes you happy!  Relax at home, go out with friends, spend time with family.  Radically changed response - find what lasts.  There is a joy in Christ, and in the community of Christ that is beyond what I could have imagined!  Joy is not the same as mere happiness, which only lasts as long as the temporarily happy thing is happening.  Joy continues.  It lasts.  Days, months, years and decades into eternity, joy echoes on - when we put in time and effort to bless friends and family and yes, strangers too; when we see them entering into that same joy in Christ; when we see God move powerfully to bring healing and restoration and peace into their homes and workplaces.

Wow - what stubborn people we are!  And how incredibly difficult it seems to overcome these things.

But the amazing good news, that I have seen with my own eyes, in my own life, and in the lives of friends who have surrendered their stubbornness to Christ, is this - if I am willing, if I am determined to change, to pursue that deeply joyful life in Christ - He wants to receive me, like a child running into the Father's warm and welcoming arms.  Thank You Jesus!