As parents, our job is to love our children unconditionally. But while we love them as they are, we love them too much to merely leave them the way they are. That's what parenting means - from the moment they are born, even till they are old. To train them to be better people. To use the potty. To say please and thank you. To be honest. To work hard. To be determined. To be kind. To be grateful.
When my kids were small, I had visibility over almost everything they did. I knew who their schoolmates were in kindergarten and primary school. I knew when they had homework to do. I knew what their hobbies and interests were. I knew whom they were quarreling with, and whom they were best friends with.
As my kids grew older, they started doing more things on their own. Making their own friends, keeping their own schedules, pursuing their own projects, managing their own conflicts and relationships.
But even as teens, they are young. At that age, I would not yet have learned to be gracious under pressure. Nor how to deal with bullies, whether as a victim, a bystander, or an unwitting participant.
Not all of these things can be taught by parents. But as parents, we want to be proud of our children. What do we look for in our children? Would we be proud of children who spew foul language? Who bully the weak? Who pick on minorities? Who disrespect women? Who lie and cheat? Who boast about money and talent and possessions? Surely not.
Have we observed how our children are behaving in school and with their friends? Thanks to social media, many of us now can. Whatsapp, Facebook, Instagram... what do we think? Do we know, or bother to know what our kids are doing? Have we seen our child use foul language? Boasting - perhaps about his talent, or his computer games, or how much ang pao money he got? Gossiping about a classmate? Bullying the class oddball? Or maybe just standing by as that oddball gets bullied?
What is our reaction?
"Ah, just teenagers"? Or, "boys will be boys"? "We must toughen them up to face the real world"? "Bullies are a part of life"? "Vulgar language is common when they grow up"? "They must be ready for the army"?
Well, I have seen my children's classroom chats and interactions. Hundreds, even thousands of messages. And I'm afraid there is very little to be proud of in many of these interactions. I am relieved that my children still come to me when they see these conversations and express their discomfort to me, ask me what to do about it. Gossiping about outcasts. Plotting against classmates. Vulgar language. Bullying. Come to think of it, not very different from adults. So perhaps very much like "the real world".
The fact of the matter is, it is unnatural for children, or ourselves, to be good, to avoid gossip. We
like to go with the crowd.
And that's why, if we want our children to be different, we need to be there as parents. L.R. Knost said "It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless."
Let's think on that, and read that again, contemplatively.
Most of us as parents continue to be prepared to personally coach our teenagers to be hardworking, to be leaders, to be decisive, to be strong - so why so we delegate the lessons of graciousness and kindness to the rest of the world?
When do we need to start this coaching? Early. Now. Before our kids are too big to listen to us, before we lose our primacy as the voice of authority. Therefore let our children explore. Let them have mobile phones, go on the internet, chat on social media. But watch them. Guide them. Make them people who will make the world around them kinder, not people who will merely withstand the cruelty of the world.
When my daughter first started using social media, I had a rule that I was allowed to see whatever she posted. When I noticed that she had joined in some gossip "ABC is always like that..." "Yah, I remember she did that to me too...", my wife and I immediately intervened and explained to her that gossip, while thrilling, was unhealthy. And that if someone was prepared to gossip about someone else to my daughter, then in all likelihood that person was also gossiping about my daughter to someone else.
My daughter was still young enough to hear her parents and take our instruction to heart - and I'm glad to say, has since internalised that gossip is Not A Good Thing. I'm not naive enough to think she never engages in it, but she knows her parents don't approve, so she often remembers to restrain herself, and even tells her friends to stop. But... what would it have been like if our initial reaction to her, when she was younger, was merely to shrug our shoulders and say, "life's like that", "just toughen up"? Would we not have validated to her that gossiping is acceptable?
Proverbs 22:6 says "Train a child up in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it". My children are teenagers now, and the runway for me to impart lessons to my children grows ever shorter. May I cherish every learning opportunity for my children to be ladies and gentlemen to be proud of!
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