What's best for our children... or what our children are best for?

As you might have guessed, I've been thinking a lot about where my daughter should go for secondary school recently.

On one hand, I want her to excel to her fullest potential, and based on what we can tell so far, she's the sort of person who likes to win and achieve things.  That suggests we should send her to the best school she can qualify for (depending of course on how well she eventually does).  On the other hand, I worry that encouraging her to be an overachiever in school and presumably later on, worklife, may affect the chance of her building a happy family life.  I've certainly experienced that the harder you work in the office, the less energy you have to spend with your family.  But I suspect there's a big streak of chauvinism behind this, because I don't think I would be considering this same dilemma for my son.

Recognising that, I'm trying to put aside that unfair lens, and re-look the matter with a fresh perspective.  Psalm 127:3-4 says about children:
Children are a heritage from the Lord
Offspring a reward from him
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one's youth

So I think the starting point is this.  My children are a heritage from the Lord.  In a sense, my children are not mine alone - they belong to God, but were given to me. 

So my children are gifts from God.  Now what?  Tellingly, 1 Peter 4:10 says about gifts:
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God's grace in its various forms.

So I think this is the guidance I should take.  That my children, who are God's great gift to me, should be used to serve others.  This is my duty as a steward of God's grace in allowing me to enjoy parenthood.  Therefore the question I should have been asking myself is not "what decision will help give the best life for my daughter?" but rather, "what decision will help my daughter serve others?"

Wow.  That's a really really tough one to swallow.

If that is truly the case, then clearly, I should encourage my daughter to complete excellence in everything, so that she can be the best tool she can be in God's hands.  Unfortunately, this doesn't leave me with much of a clearer answer than when I first began.  OK, so she should be the best she can be.  But in what field exactly?  As a wife?  Mother?  The Singaporean favourite lawyer/doctor/scholar?  Possibly so busy and successful that she will travel the world or not get to see her own family as much as I hope?  What about social worker, missionary or pastor?  All, or any of the above, could and should be pursued with utmost excellence...

Notwithstanding the current ambiguity of the solution to my specific dilemma, I am encouraged that God's promise, as always, is that "all things work for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose"  Romans 8:28.  What does this mean?  It means that whatever decision is eventually made, as long as I help her to love God, and heed His call and His purpose, then that is the best place she can be.  This thought truly makes me want to do whatever it takes help my daughter's walk with God closely, knowing that the fruit of success is the best thing that could ever be for my daughter, while the price of failure is contributing to her missing out on God's best plan.


It's desperately difficult to move away from thinking "how do I help my daughter" to thinking "how do I help her to help others".  Put another way, it's not what's best for my children that matters so much as what my children are best for, within God's loving plan. 

But God's enduring promise that we are always in the best place we can be when we obey God is a sure anchor within the storm.  I have been blessed in the past year to see several situations where people around me make tough decisions to simply obey God.  A job which we really want, and for which the opportunity presents itself, but which God tells us to walk away from.  Financial reward which could be a blessing to the family and even the church, but in respect of which God says "I have a different, but even better plan for you, so leave it behind".  An only child whose parents want to keep close to them, but whom they release to the nations to be a blessing.

So I guess the lesson for me is that something like choosing secondary schools is really a little thing when we walk confidently in God's plan.  Maybe you too have some big worry which God is now revealing to you to be really a small thing, as long as you diligently seek Him and His good and perfect plan for you and your loved ones.  I trust that when the time comes to make the decision for my daughter's school, God will reveal His specific loving guidance.  But really, it'll be just one more little step on the road of blessed, peaceful and joyful service to our awesome God.

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